Friday, January 1, 2010

the first day of my life.

If you're a regular reader of my blogs (the few and the proud of you!) then you know my style, and you probably thought I'd be waxing rhapsodic on the New Year about the contrast of the old year and the new; I realize I have a penchant for doing that. However, I'm out of steam for analyzing. I've tried to pick apart, inspect, box and label my past so much that sometimes it feels like the neat little containers of filtered meaning belong to someone else.

I don't know a whole lot. I know that on one side, I've been ludicrously fortunate this past year. I know that on the other, I've had a few swift kicks to the heart that were strong enough to be categorized as life-altering. I know that the former significantly outweighs the latter. I know that because of this, I'm beginning to heal in more ways than one.

When it comes to celebrating New Year's Eve, I'm easy to please. I want to be with a few people I genuinely care about and who I know care about me, and everything else is optional. I got exactly that this year, and I couldn't have asked for a better start to the new year and the new decade.

I'm not one for resolutions. I even thought about the prospect of making one for about five minutes today before I gave up the task. To be fair, my brain was flooded with happiness and that made it hard to think of something concrete to aim for. I was walking around S's apartment, cleaning up from our New Year's brunch. Z and S were talking in the living room area where Rosanne Cash was playing, and I thought: I can't really improve upon this. My life isn't perfect, and I'm sure there are goals I could create that I would gain something from attempting. I don't need those aspirations, though. I just need to enjoy what I have and work, as always, to improve upon the relationships, skill and tasks already present in my life.

If I were to create a goal for this next year, it would be to figure out how to please whatever real or imagined holy figure decided to bless me at this stage of my life. If I could just figure out what divine being to thank, then my resolution would be to thank them.

While I try to figure that out, I will be exploring the new year. I can't wait to see what it has in store.

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