a snapshot

This weekend I learned: the basics of wheel-throwing and hand-building pottery; how to fire and load a wood-burning kiln; how to navigate both the NJ Transit system and the Long Island Railroad unassisted; that my endurance is gone, but I somehow still have my speed on my skates.

This weekend I learned that I like: Sri Lankan food, broccoli rabe, and taking long train rides out of the city, with only my ipod and the passing scenery to entertain me.

This weekend I loved: watching S at work in her studio, puttering around her apartment, huddling around the kiln in the cold as if it were a humongous campfire, and making plans.

This weekend I began to look forward to: more of everything that I love.

I know this room, I've walked this floor.

Tonight I went to a skills night hosted by GGRD, making tonight the fourth time I've been on my skates since moving last May. My legs were shaking, my back was aching, my bad ankle is in full mutiny, and I may have pulled a hip flexor during an ill-fated plow stop. Still, I had a blast. I'm not sure there's a more eloquent way to put that, especially since I'm really, really tired. But it was amazing. The skaters hosting us were fun and super helpful. At first I was a little concerned because I felt like every two minutes someone was correcting my form or giving me pointers - their tips were great and I was definitely being sloppy, but I started getting paranoid that I just completely sucked until Ginger Snap commented that the attention I was receiving was a good thing. Whew! Needless to say I still feel very intimidated by the prospect of playing for Gotham, and I feel really self-conscious about the shape I'm in (or not in, rather). I guess my muscles still halfway remember what to do, though, which is encouraging. After two hours of drills I couldn't really make it up off the floor without a struggle, but I still wanted to keep skating. I can't wait for tryouts in a month.

For the past.. oh, six months or so, I've started to not like my reflection so much. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see exhaustion and stress. Dark circles, eye wrinkles, paleness, tension, stress-induced breakouts. Maybe part of that is I'm just getting a little bit older, even though my students still think I'm 20. Regardless, when I got home tonight I stepped into the bathroom for a shower, and while I was waiting for the water to heat up I glanced in the mirror. I didn't see tiredness for once, or stress. I just saw happy.

Oh, derby. Where have you been my whole life?

the big spoon.

I'm pretty open about the fact that I tend to be emotionally unavailable to all but a few people. Although it's easy for me to open up in my writing and express how I'm feeling in an indirect, albeit very public, medium, in person I don't often share a lot of myself with others. I share my humor and my stories, but everything else stays relatively hidden. To use the oft-cited metaphor for emotional boundaries, I have walls. An intricate maze of walls, actually.

It's something I'm working on. I've started seeing someone new, and I feel excited about this person. And even though we're very much in the getting-to-know-you phase, today it occurred to me that maybe she's snuck into the maze while my guard was down. It took me a little while to figure out what I was feeling today, but I think the feeling was that I miss her.

Maybe it seems strange that it would take me some time to register that feeling. I miss people and things regularly - I miss my friends, I miss derby, I miss Arkansas, I miss my family. I'm accustomed to missing those things, and I've long passed the homesickness benchmark such that my missing those things isn't a feeling of sadness or longing. It's more so a feeling of fond remembrance, and of looking forward to seeing those people and places again some day. It's a feeling that comes and goes.

What I felt today was different and more vague. Because not many people make it past the first few turns in my maze, it's been a little while since I've felt this way. Even when I'm dating someone, and even when I like them a whole lot, I don't usually miss them when I haven't seen them for a few days. It's a little scary to feel this way, to be honest. I can feel some resistance forming, as if some hidden guard is desperately trying to mend the breach to keep her from finding her way in further. When did I become so afraid of getting close to someone?

I'm hoping I can be brave and bribe my guard from his post. If not now, then one day. Because as strange and slightly alarming as the feeling was I had today, I like that I miss her. I like that I can miss someone, especially someone whose position in my life isn't permanent or well-formed yet. Maybe that's a good sign.

you hear that, New York? the frog is staying.

Dear GGRD,

I know in the next few months I have a lot of shin splints, bruises, aching muscles, sweat, hits and hard work ahead of me. That is, assuming you let me join you. Pretty please? I'm a little afraid of you because I know I'm going to have to push myself harder than I have before. I'm also excited about you because you could be really good for me in more ways than one. So, are you ready for me? Because I think I might be ready for you.

Love, your wannabe rookie.

Dear Tapas Bar in the East Village,

Thank you for being eerily quiet and empty on Halloween night, for having an interesting and charming cave-painting-inspired decor, for giving me champagne instead of the cocktail I ordered, and for not being the judging sort. Bless you.

Love, one of the people in the back booth.

Dear New York,

Your version of Halloween is ridiculous. I could have done without the man vomiting and passing out on the train at 1 am, but the singalong among strangers I was privy to ten minutes later made up for it. I'm looking forward to seeing you in your full holiday charm soon.

Love, me.

Dear Life,

Should I be suspicious? I'm afraid to completely enjoy you for fear that something is looming around the next corner. I feel slightly undeserving, to be honest. I'm not sure how I got to be so lucky. If I close my eyes and hold your hand, will you keep leading me down this lovely path? I want to relax, for just a little while.. can I trust you?

Love, still a little guarded.